Mini Daddy Is Like Thanksgiving If Your Butterball Turkey Could Rap

I…I just don’t even know what to do with this. I was on board with the cuteness until some of the dancing happened. In any case, at least we know where to go when the Fat Joe biopic gets made and they need to cast his much earlier years.

And, now I want a chalupa from That Little Mexican Cafe around the corner from my place.

Virgin Diaries Is The Real American Horror Story

It’s hard enough for me to understand two people falling in love and vowing to save sex for after marriage, but if that’s the way they were brought up or it’s the easiest way for them to repress their flaming gayness (which is really what I think they must be doing), fine. The ones who save KISSING each other for after marriage are in for a downward spiral of wedded hell and if you don’t believe me, just watch this preview for TLC’s The Virgin Diaries:

I mean, what happens when you say “I do” and then realize that the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with is a horrifically bad kisser? I had to squint while trying to get the youtube url to post in here because I couldn’t stand the thought of watching them maw on each other any longer. (Thanks to Eric “they look like two birds trying to eat bread together” for the tip. Also, eff you for the tip).

TV Rant: Extra Has Got To Be The Worst Show On Television

Can someone please explain to me why Extra is still on the air after 18 mind-numbing seasons? Yes, EIGHTEEN seasons. That is 17 more than Wonderfalls, 16 more than Dead Like Me and Pushing Daisies and 15 more than Arrested Development and Veronica Mars (though the last season or two made it pretty difficult to blame network execs for the VM cancellation). But still, Extra has outlived these great shows and its only content is reading only somewhat reputable magazine headlines in dramatic voices.

Today’s show featured the following “big stories”:

KIM KARDASHIAN’S SO-CALLED EX PUBLICIST TWEETS SUICIDAL MESSAGES

JUSTIN BIEBER EXCLUSIVE: PATERNITY TEST STILL ON

‘KIM AND KOURTNEY TAKE NEW YORK’ RECAP: THERE WERE SIGNS OF THE BREAKUP

BRAD AND JEN NEARLY RUN INTO EACH OTHER AT THE MOVIES

You have got to be fucking kidding me with all of these – but the last two in particular.

First of all, NO SHIT there were signs of a breakup for Kim & Kris. I’m sure E! had nothing else planned for their fall schedule and this was the only way to ensure people would watch anything with those two dumb-asses in it. I’m sure Kim thought the world would be sympathetic to her failed relationship when it was planned out in the script meetings. I’m sure Kris Humphries is too dumb to have thought much about anything besides patting himself on the back for having people believe he was boning Kim.

Look at how uncomfortable this picture is! I’ll bet Kim wore that distractingly ugly dress so that it’s all you are able to focus on instead of their fake relationship.

Now, on to the never-ending Jen Aniston/Brad Pitt “story”. If they almost ran into each other while going to see a matinee of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Hymens I could understand a near run-in between the two being deemed a newsworthy story. I would also really like to see that movie. But developing entertainment news segments to talk about what almost was the possibility of a brief interaction or occupied shared space between two people who divorced six years ago is enough for me to give up on television and try to start reading again.

Don’t even get me started on my nemesis, Mario Lopez. He might be good-looking to some of you but he and his dimples are one big black hole of man-whoring douchebaggery.

I think it’s time for us to stand up, America. It’s time for Extra to go away. Do it for the children, do it for yourself, do it for Zack Morris.