Category Archives: NYC Life

A Comedy of Errors: NYC Week 1 Done

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My first week has been a real eye-opener to say the least. It has also been a bit physically painful and if any of you are thinking of buying me a Hanukkah present, you may want to think about getting me some elbow pads, a helmet and fire-retardant clothing.

My belongings finally arrived late Monday night and it’s safe to say there is a very good reason I was able to get it all here so cheaply. The boxes I had used looked like they had been used as a homeless person’s vacation home in New Jersey for the past week and a half. Thankfully everything inside was pretty much ok and my futon bed and table lamp shade were the only things that didn’t quite remain as in tact as before the move. The last box was dropped off around 8pm and I finished putting everything away and figuring out how to set up my room only 2 beers and five hours later. When you see the room you’ll probably wonder why it took so long – but it’s because it was all about trial and error. Oh, and also because I found out my bed doesn’t fit length-wise from wall to wall and I found that out the hard way. Also, since it is a futon and there is a small chance I will want to use it as a couch at some point (you know, for a swank dinner party in my bedroom or an album listening party??), I had to make sure the back end of the couch was in the right place. It hadn’t been – so I had to lift it up all the way until it seemed as though I was doing an awkward dance with the most drunk person in the room. Finally, I gave her a little dip – I may have made some marks in the hardwood floors but won’t know until the day comes when I move out of this room.

​In case you’re wondering: Yes, my across the street neighbors did get some awesome views for the first week. I finally bought a retention rod and an embarrassingly sheer window curtain yesterday so that it at least looks like I have some kind of TV censor blurring out my bits.

Here is the other side of the room because I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation wondering what it looks like:

Where the sleeping happens

Robyn hair interlude:

konichiwa bitches

Last Saturday, my friend/roomie Michelle got back from her flight attendant duties catering to people to and from Geneva, Switzerland. Instead of going to sleep when she made it home, we did some day drinking – just how I like it. Check out beard man in the background. He is very serious about this photo bomb and I’m a little confused about his hands. Is he flicking us off? Is he holding something? What would he look like if he shaved?

Aint no dog like a B.U. dog

When we left beard man we took a stroll through the West Village and stumbled upon a cellist playing on the corner of two side streets. I found out that Michelle loves the cello as much as I love cello and violin. This is great news because we really aren’t very classy ladies but then we go and flip the script by loving those strings.

Oh, here’s the kitchen!

oven nemesis

See that oven in the background? That is my new nemesis. More on that later.

Tuesday night I had a movie screening to cover for AfterEllen and because I was afraid of being lost, I decided to go find some WiFi early in the day at a place close to the theater. After spending a lot of time and too much money at a tea & wine shop to do my work, I ventured out to find some food before the movie started. I passed by a bar with open windows playing some hot jams from the jukebox and noticed they had happy hour specials on drinks and food – so I wandered in. It turns out, it was a gay bar – or at least most of the patrons and the bartender were gay. I sat down and gave my order when a Kanye song came on and the woman next to me said something about Chicago so I chimed in and asked if she was from there. She was – so I told her about my recent move and BOOM – new friend who I will be watching the Bears game with this Sunday. Some of you know this already but for those of you who don’t, my last purchase in Chicago about two hours before heading to the airport was a Bears jersey. It turns out I’m turning into one of those lesbians and Da Bears will always be a little piece of home in my heart.

The woman, Karen, moved out to Brooklyn a few years ago and works as an Account Executive for Nike. She’s a big fan of House music so we had a lot to talk about. When it was time, I said my goodbyes and walked to the theater and sat through what might have been one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I took notes in the dark but most of them ended up being things like, “Seriously, WTF?!” “Really? How in the hell did they go from that to that?” “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!” I didn’t even wait for the lights to come up before I grabbed my bag and left. When I got outside, it was raining kind of hard and for the first time in my life, I brought an umbrella with me. Unfortunately, when I was going down the steps of the subway and trying to put my handy umbrella away, I ended up slipping down the steps and fell right on my ass and left forearm. If I had seen myself fall there is no doubt in my mind that I would have peed my pants in laughter. Instead, I got up and waited for my train while trying to play it cool.​

You can’t really see how bruised it is but trust me, that shit is not pretty. To add insult to injury, I was trying to be responsible by baking the chicken I had purchased a few days earlier so that I’d have easily accessible food on hand instead of going out to eat. Well, remember that oven? It’s cute enough but there is a hidden metal thing in the middle of it which, unless you’re Sylvia Plath, you would never have reason to see. When I went to grab my chicken, I got branded by whatever that thing is.

Burn baby burn

Awesome. Other than that, I was part of a round-table interview with Penny Marshall yesterday and it seemed like she hates doing things like round-table interviews. She was nice enough though and definitely made me laugh a few times. Mostly, she quoted a lot of things from her new book in between taking puffs from an electronic cigarette. Later in the night, Michelle, her sister Christina and I went to a ladies night party in the Flat Iron District. One thing I’ve been very surprised about in New York is that when the ladies see something they want or see someone they want to dance with, they just go ahead and grab it. I could not have been more surprised when we walked through the door and I was almost immediately grabbed and danced with by a Miranda Kerr-lookalike. The only thing more surprising was finding out how young she ended up being. So, add ID checker to my Hanukkah present list too, ok?

It was a fun time though and I danced like no one knew who I was – because they didn’t and it was great! I’m gearing up for week 2 of adventures and with any luck, there won’t be any more bruises, burns, breaks, scars (emotional or otherwise).

xoxo,

ChubbyJones

An Update Complete With Ben Folds & Fraggle Rock

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Fraggle Rock

The past few mornings I’ve been waking up to various riots. This morning it was the loud chanting of people protesting something. I wasn’t really sure what exactly but in my mind it was them protesting my need to sleep and I wasn’t happy about it. The other mornings, it’s been the sound of garbage trucks doing their own version of the hit off-Broadway musical, Stomp!. Seriously, I’m pretty sure the garbage men are trying to say, “Hey Asshole, you moved to the city that never sleeps – what did you expect?” So I bought a coffeemaker yesterday from Lot Less and I’m going to keep myself caffeinated so as to not become the crazy woman on our block who goes in circles with drool hanging from her mouth.

I’ve been trying to have a nice balance of staying in to save money and going out to spend it all on booze and hummus appetizers with a shockingly small amount of carbs to use as a vehicle to actually get the hummus to my mouth. I met up with my friend Kristen and her dude, Jeff, on Saturday night after a full day of drinking, and we went to a bar that had just opened somewhere near Avenue C and 7th. I’m throwing those streets out there but have no clue where the hell that actually is and in reality it’s the address of the first bar I met them at – where they were celebrating Germanfest and I somehow ended up in a conga line before leaving. When we got to the second bar, there was a guy outside with a clipboard and an earpiece waiting to let people in. We stood outside for a good 15 minutes and a small line formed behind us until an older drunk gentleman came over and insisted he be let inside because he “knew somebody” and told the bouncer to let someone know, “Johnny No-Brains” was there. Despite how great his nickname was, Johnny No-Brains was not given special treatment and I’m pretty sure he never ended up making it upstairs. He didn’t miss out on anything though – the line was sheer manipulation. It was empty upstairs and as mentioned earlier, the hummus appetizer we ordered came with about 5 crackers to dip in it. No pita. Not 10 crackers. We ended up needing to use our fingers for that shit. No one wants hummus-fingers at the end of a night of drinking, that’s just disgusting.

When we left the bar, Johnny No-Brains was around the corner and even after telling him I was for-really-real a strickly non-dickly lesbian, he thought telling me he would love to take me to bed and trying to kiss me would be a good idea. Just a word of advice to any of the men out there who are thinking of trying this move out: My knees are at perfect ball-busting height – and for you taller ones, my fists are just as perfect and I’ve taken boxing classes.

My belongings, including my futon-bed (sexy!!), should be arriving later this afternoon and I might just cry and make out with my things for a while. While I wait for that to happen, let’s enjoy this new music video for “Do It Anyway” from Ben Folds and Nerdist Industries (you’ll see Chris Hardwick, Rob Corddry, Anna Kendrick and FRAGGLES!!).

NYC Day 1.5 (night additions)

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There were a few things I neglected to include in my post about day 1 in this new city and I feel as though I should revisit the night so you know (and I don’t forget – because that is what my brain likes to do) how much I’ve been welcomed with open arms.

When I left off, I was headed out to meet my friend Melanie and her fiancee for dinner. I looked up the route to get to the West Village via subway and promptly took the C train the wrong way. I figured this out about five or six stops into my ride and it only became apparent when I noticed I was passing a lot of the stops I had taken to get home from the airport. So, that first “lost in New York” experience is out of the way and now that it’s in writing, I will hopefully remember the train going towards Euclid is not the one I want to take. When I got out at the right stop, I pulled out my map app and, as I’m prone to do, ended up figuring out a way to get lost while following the little moving blue dot that tells you exactly how to get from point A to point B. Yes, I am pretty special.

When I finally made it to the Cubby Hole the place was packed with lesbians of all ages, shapes, sizes, colors and drink choices. I got my Beam and diet and must’ve looked like a lost little lamb because I was tapped on the shoulder and asked if I had come for the Butches and Femmes meet up group. I assured the lady that I was not – nor did I know which of those categories I would even fall into. She told me I was definitely there for the meet up and pulled up a stool for me to join their party of four. Immediately, I was asked where I was from because she knew it wasn’t New York. I explained that it was my first day and I was from Chicago and my new nickname, “Chicago”, was born. It’s not a very creative or clever nickname, but I will take it as long as it isn’t “Fatty” or “Ugly”. I explained that I was there to meet up with a friend of mine and the questions started coming as to whether or not my friend was butch or femme. I explained that she is femme (though in college there were a few wardrobe and hairstyle choices that would have made it more difficult to decide) and straight.

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As if she had gotten my bat-signal, Melanie walked into the bar and after hugging it out explained that she was hungry and her fiancee was outside waiting for us. So, I chugged my drink and started to leave but not before my new friend ordered Melanie “Out of the bar, straight friend!” and insisted that I had to give her my phone number. She also asked if I dated butch, black lesbians. I explained that I really don’t have a type but that I’m not trying to date anybody due to just getting out of a relationship. I also had no idea what the hell to do about giving her my phone number so of course I did because I’m from the Midwest and I didn’t want to be rude. In case you’re wondering, she did text me last night to say, “So yea, we need to hang out. I know the queer side of NYC so well. Like if your vegan or veggie, I know spots for that :)” I haven’t texted back yet to say I don’t mind dating butch, black lesbians but I can’t date anyone who uses the wrong form of “You’re”. When I showed the text to Melanie, she got adorably straight on me and wanted to know what being “vegan” or “veggie” was code for in the lesbian vernacular. I explained that I was pretty sure it was just about food but if I’m wrong, somebody please better let me know with quickness.

The three of us then hopped in a cab and headed to a new restaurant specializing in nice American cuisine. The decor was lovely even if the ceilings were mirrored and made me feel a little raunchy. It was also very loud and only got louder when Melanie and I polished off a bottle of red wine between us. When the bottle was gone and the food was finished, we headed out and Alan dropped Melanie and I off at a really cute bar called WXOU Radio. I had a hard time figuring out if it was gay or not because the sweet guy tending bar was certainly a sister, the women were all incredibly friendly but the rest of the guys all seemed like well-dressed perverts creeping on any woman unfortunate enough to be sitting next to them.

Later in the evening, I told Melanie she didn’t need to babysit me and could go home because she had had a long day and needed some sleep. I still had a full beer and as everyone probably knows, I don’t mind talking to strangers. Luckily, I was sitting next to two friendly women who I found out later are twins. We had some great conversations with one finishing the other’s sentences or coming back from a cigarette only to repeat whatever sentiment the other one had just relayed to me. Twins are fascinating and only slightly creepy – but really only in the psychic power kind of way. Unless, of course, we’re talking about the Olsen twins – those two are creepy pretty much all the time.

One twin went home and the other, Elizabeth*, stayed and kept me company for a bit and then defied the laws of New York’s reputation by making sure I got to my train alright. We got to her street and she gave me the rest of the directions to the subway while we stood outside of a little corner market. Hearing our conversation, another woman, who was sober and on her way to her first bar of the night, turned around and said she would walk me the rest of the way. Elizabeth made sure I was ok with my new chaperone and since she had a nice smile, was in heels and dressed nicely I figured if anything funny happened there was a good chance I’d be able to out-run her so I said yes. I don’t remember her name but the new chaperone said she manages a bunch of restaurants in the city and had just come from getting off of one of her shifts (at least I’m pretty sure that’s what she said). Then, as if New York’s reputation for being mean needed to be defied even further, she escorted me all the way down the subway steps and we asked the attendant what my best route home was and then said our goodbyes.

I’m a big fan of this welcoming with open arms that’s been happening. Every day can’t be as great as that one but it was definitely just what I needed to get me through my first day.

Since my second day has been more on the low-key side of things and I need to finish Penny Marshall’s upcoming book so I can interview her on Monday, I will bid you adieu for now.

xoxo,
Chubby Gossip Girl

*No, her twin sister’s name is not Jessica but yes I was hoping for a Wakefield twin Sweet Valley High situation.

NYC Day 1: Mia Takes Manhattan

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Well, I made it. After a lifetime of dreaming of moving to New York, I’m here. And I’m blonde. My scalp is a bit red and scarred by the experience – but I’m putting on my best Robyn face and saying Konichiwa bitches!

Konichiwa Bitches!

I definitely cried a bit while hugging my family and friends farewell for a while. After telling me that “Growing old isn’t for sissies,” my grandma went a step further and told me (in less words) that she isn’t as sensitive as I am and wouldn’t be crying while dropping me off at the airport.

My awesome grandma

Well, that’s me, a sensitive Sally. But, as sensitive as I am, I know I’m tough as hell and ready to get down to some serious business. Everyone thinks New Yorkers are so tough and mean – I’ve already gotten two compliments from old men about my hairdo while walking around the new hood. Sure, they aren’t exactly my target demo, but I’ll take it damn it.

My friend Michelle, who is one of my roommates, met me outside of our building and today we took a little walk around the neighborhood. Lower Manhattan is very cute, especially at night when there aren’t a ton of people walking around taking pictures or in business suits. We’re basically in the Financial District by Wall Street and Ground Zero. I took a little walk in the afternoon yesterday and came across a lovely fountain:

Fountain in the financial district

And some art? I mean, ART!Geriatric art?

There’s a Duane Reede across the street and a 24-hour CVS around the corner. As if my love of random school supplies, gum and whatever seasonal items are on clearance weren’t satiated enough, there are two discount stores selling the most random home goods you could imagine nearby. But wait for it – there’s also an Ikea I can go to by ferry and they’ll deliver everything to your place for $99 no matter how much you buy. Fukenbuyen everything, motherfuckers!

Our place is really nice and it’s bigger than I had expected – which is a great thing since I was worried about needing to literally sleep on top of or inside of my suitcase. My room is pretty darn small though and my closet is basically our coat closet by the entryway, but I’m alright with it. My lesbian instincts for crafting things has kicked in and I have plans for how I’ll deal with the lack of space. My other two roommates are really nice and I have a feeling the tall gay dude and I are going to be great friends – particularly when I need things from top shelves or if he drops something. Also, I hear he’s really chill and watches Jeopardy. We’re practically soulmates.

So far I’ve gotten in touch with a few friends and a handful of my publicity contacts to set up times to meet up. Next Friday I’ll be meeting up with one of my contacts for a drink and then headed to one of her artist’s concerts. I have no clue what kind of music this band plays besides it being a little emo…I’ll have to buy some black nail polish in advance. Tonight, I’m meeting up with one of my bffs from college, Melanie, and her fiancee, Alan, but not before heading to my favorite lesbian bar in New York, The Cubby Hole. It’s also the only lesbian or gay bar I’ve been to in New York and it’s around the corner from Melanie’s place.

So, so far so good and I’m excited to start this next (hopefully very long) chapter of my life. I feel like it’s probably only fitting since my first day here was actually my dad’s birthday. So, happy birthday dad, I hope that your dreams for me come true.