Dear Oprah, I Hate My “A-Ha” Moment

I was making dinner last night, watching “Best Ink” (I actually do kind of love that show even if the idea of a tattoo “challenge” scares the shit out of me) and for some reason, it occurred to me how badly I let my ex treat me, how much she wanted me to completely devalue myself and how far down the self-loathing shame spiral she had already gotten me to go.

If this were the early 90′s and she were a dude – she’d be exactly what Lifetime Movies were made of. A less physically-violent, equally soul-crushing Fred Savage to my Candace Cameron in “No One Would Tell“.

no one would tell

The weirdest part is: With my hair dyed blonde the way it is, it would only need to grow into a shag cut for this to kind of look exactly like my ex and I.

What made me the most sad was how long I let this bitch stick around – particularly in my headspace. I thought I was stronger than that – even if I can admit now that the red flags at the beginning were ignored because I loved her dog too much to let go of the relationship. As embarrassing as that is to admit, it’s absolutely true and now you know the way to keep me in a bad relationship is to woo me with your adorable dog. Of course, now that I’ve got my own adorable pooch, I’ll consider Marshall my heart guard dog.

So I guess my final thought is: If your “boo” starts treating you so badly that you are embarrassed to tell your friends about things they have said to you or things they have done, it’s time to get the fuck out of that relationship and I mean run don’t walk and then party like R. Kelly (minus the pee part unless you are into that and have lots of extra sheets).

Whip My Pop Episode 7 – Shit is Getting Weird

I produce this video for AfterEllen.com but figured, hey, why not spread the love/weirdness? This episode features a cameo from my pal Bashley who reminds us that sometimes even the pretty people are vatos locos forever. You can read her funny ass stuff over at StraightLesbian.com and follow her on Twitter over heeya. Also, Butter Dance.

If Your Baby Wears Eyeshadow It Probably Needs A Social Worker

I’m not sure if Facebook is trying to tell me something or if recruiters in the social work field have felt as though they’ve exhausted all other other marketing options, but this ad keeps popping up when I log in:

So…I’m confused. Did this little girl just watch Black Swan and now she needs someone to talk to? Has she been traumatized by too many seasons of America’s Next Top Model? Did she kill another little girl in the background of this picture or are those just some random legs? I need answers but I’m not willing to click on their ad for fear of that little girl stealing my soul.