The past few mornings I’ve been waking up to various riots. This morning it was the loud chanting of people protesting something. I wasn’t really sure what exactly but in my mind it was them protesting my need to sleep and I wasn’t happy about it. The other mornings, it’s been the sound of garbage trucks doing their own version of the hit off-Broadway musical, Stomp!. Seriously, I’m pretty sure the garbage men are trying to say, “Hey Asshole, you moved to the city that never sleeps – what did you expect?” So I bought a coffeemaker yesterday from Lot Less and I’m going to keep myself caffeinated so as to not become the crazy woman on our block who goes in circles with drool hanging from her mouth.
I’ve been trying to have a nice balance of staying in to save money and going out to spend it all on booze and hummus appetizers with a shockingly small amount of carbs to use as a vehicle to actually get the hummus to my mouth. I met up with my friend Kristen and her dude, Jeff, on Saturday night after a full day of drinking, and we went to a bar that had just opened somewhere near Avenue C and 7th. I’m throwing those streets out there but have no clue where the hell that actually is and in reality it’s the address of the first bar I met them at – where they were celebrating Germanfest and I somehow ended up in a conga line before leaving. When we got to the second bar, there was a guy outside with a clipboard and an earpiece waiting to let people in. We stood outside for a good 15 minutes and a small line formed behind us until an older drunk gentleman came over and insisted he be let inside because he “knew somebody” and told the bouncer to let someone know, “Johnny No-Brains” was there. Despite how great his nickname was, Johnny No-Brains was not given special treatment and I’m pretty sure he never ended up making it upstairs. He didn’t miss out on anything though – the line was sheer manipulation. It was empty upstairs and as mentioned earlier, the hummus appetizer we ordered came with about 5 crackers to dip in it. No pita. Not 10 crackers. We ended up needing to use our fingers for that shit. No one wants hummus-fingers at the end of a night of drinking, that’s just disgusting.
When we left the bar, Johnny No-Brains was around the corner and even after telling him I was for-really-real a strickly non-dickly lesbian, he thought telling me he would love to take me to bed and trying to kiss me would be a good idea. Just a word of advice to any of the men out there who are thinking of trying this move out: My knees are at perfect ball-busting height – and for you taller ones, my fists are just as perfect and I’ve taken boxing classes.
My belongings, including my futon-bed (sexy!!), should be arriving later this afternoon and I might just cry and make out with my things for a while. While I wait for that to happen, let’s enjoy this new music video for “Do It Anyway” from Ben Folds and Nerdist Industries (you’ll see Chris Hardwick, Rob Corddry, Anna Kendrick and FRAGGLES!!).